Realization…

Dear Diary,

So I wanted to share this with all of you but this is more for women. This afternoon after work I decided to stop in at the new Ross store cuz I was in need of a new purse. After selecting the purse I wanted to purchase...I started to walk around the store at stuff. Well bein a scrapbooker; I was looking at the scrapbooks...the same aisle included journals/books.

So I looked through the books & came across the book called "Captivating" by Todd & Stasi Eldridge. I skimmed the book & read the intro to the book but I really didn't understand what the book was about...but I felt something(which was maybe God) that I needed to get this book. I didn't buy it because I wanted to come on Amazon & look it up. I wanted to see more of what the book is about & why God would want me to read it.

I have looked it up & God has spoken again I feel directly to me about the book through this reader review of "Captivating"....

"Captivating" speaks to our need for God to meet us deeply, personally and intimately. I hear many people saying- I don't relate because I don't need someone to rescue me. Well then, why do you need Jesus? I think I believe a lie that "God loves sinners- His grace is sufficent for sinners- sinners need Jesus to save them...but now, I'm a Christian (a saved sinner) and yeah, I still need grace and He loves me, but I'm no longer in need of rescue." God wants more for us then this- read Romans 5- read 5:8 (while we were still sinners Christ died for us- AMAZING)...now keep reading- it doesn't end with salvation...Paul says "HOW MUCH MORE" multiple times in the next few verses talking about what God has FOR us after our conversion. It never stops being about God rescuing us, or our need. What I love about this book is that it does beat the idea that God loves us. And you know what- I don't think we ever really learn this lesson and need to stop hearing it. This is not a Barney "God loves me" now let's all run and give eachother hugs- it is learning that God's love is totally life transforming. HE changes us- and not because we are this problem He has to deal with (which I think is how many people see sanctification)- but because He loves us more than we can imagine! "Captivating" forces us to our continual need...that's not a comfortable place...I think that is part of why I wanted to chuck the book across the room. I don't want to need anyone- I am a strong woman, right? Oh, wait, I am broken...we all are!! This book is not for low-self-esteem women- it is for any women who is willing to consider that she is broken (and maybe more than she wants to admit).

This review really hit home for me & I'm realizing that I need God more then I want to admit..cuz I always considered myself a strong women that I can live my life on my own without God. But that is not true...I noticed a change trying to live my life the way I want & not the way God wants. It's been rough...I will tell you that much.

I'm admitting that I am broken & wounded...I need to fully rely on Him for the rest of my life through everything not just when things are not good. I'm seeing alot of things now...thanks to an encouragement from Chad Collins...no matter how much I mess up & sin against God...to still come to church & not shut friends & specially God out of my life. That I need to let people love me & not push them away. I need to be with Godly friends who can build me up & know that I'm not judged when I mess up. I've messed up so much lately. I hadn't been to church cuz I was afraid of judgement by people & that God hasn't forgiven me or loves me anymore cuz I'm a bad person. All that was in my head but today...God wanted me to read this review & I am feeling that this book is important for me to read.

"I'm a strong women & don't need anyone" thought...God has taught me I can no longer use that excuse to not turn to Him through everything...good or bad. God has shown me today that I'm more broken & wounded then I even realized or was willing to admit...that I need to look to Him everyday cuz He wants to change my heart but I have to let go & let Him in to the work in my heart that needs to be done....

So this review has had an impact on me that I needed to see...God was behind it all. Who knew I would go into Ross to buy a purse & come across this book which led me to this review...that says exactly what I feel & where I'm at....God knew already...AMAZIN!!

No matter how much I turned my back on God & friends....the one thing that remained was that God never let go of me...He was there right beside me even though I didn't want Him there. The same thing with friends...you never let go of me (always kept me in prayer) no matter how much I resisted. THANK U for stickin by me through the worst of it. I love u all!!!

I have purchased the book from Amazon....just pray for me-that I continue to feel encouraged & not push those away who love me & want to help. But most importantly for me to let go & let God into my heart to do His work...to let God guide me & to trust Him with my life. To have the continual need for God each day & to rely on Him completely.

Thanks For Reading...comments are welcome.

In HIS LOVE,

~*Kelly*~

Not Feeling Good...Ugh!

Dear Diary,

Ok so I've been a slacker on blogging but I have been sick the last month with a sinus infection & now bronchitis!!! I'm getting better but it just is taking awhile. I'm on 5 different medications & I'm so exhausted all the time!!

Moving on...

I am extremely worried about my older brother. I'm not going to go in details on here but I can tell you that my mother had to fly up where he lives to help & get him to a doctor asap. So just please keep him in prayer & myself to get well-for God to heal me.

This is all I have to say for now...

God Bless,
~*Kelly*~

My 2nd Cousin Ryan...

Dear Diary,

Happy Belated Valentine's Day! So wow it's been so long since I've written...over a month now!! I have to really try & be better at blogging more on a regular basis!!

So I'm a bit sad because I found out that my 6 yr. old second cousin...Ryan..doesn't know how to read. He's in 1st grade & the other kids in his class are learning to read. Ryan can't even read small words. In Kindergarden, his teacher said he was very bright but then why doesn't he know or at least be learning to read??? Well, my cousin; Carrie says that he has to go to a behavior modification program for 3 hours a day during school. Why can't he go after school was my question. She said "he can't because it's through the school district". I think it's wrong for his school to send him to another program when he could be in school learning what he needs to get along in this world & one is knowing how to read!!!

What aggravates me even more is the fact that my cousin-his mom won't get him any help..not a tutor, teacher, or somebody that can help Ryan learn to read after school or something. She just doesn't really care.

Ryan is in a program for his behavior due to the fact that he doesn't get attention from his mom that he so desperately needs so he acts out at school & gets in all kinds of trouble. Last year when he was in Kindergarden, he was suspended from school like 3 times for calling his teacher a b****, biting another kid, & running out of the school yard. He never had any discipline when he was younger..never went to preschool.

My cousin is a recovering herione addict & I can't even begin to imagine what Ryan has seen in his years of life. I know though that he has seen her shoot up...among other things. He's been in foster care for a few years & she was able to get him back.

The bottem line is my cousin Carrie needs to step up to the plate & be a mother to him because that is what he needs & wants is a mom. She needs to give him attention & love so he knows that his mom does care about him. If she truly loves her son...she would do anything to help him learn to read.

My fear is for Ryan's future if he doesn't know how to read...please keep Ryan in your prayers & his mom Carrie-to step up to the plate & be a mother to him.

Thank You!!

Peace, Love, & Jesus,
~*Kelly*~

Last Week's Devotional(1/7/09)

Dear Diary,

I wrote my first devotional ever & sent it out to all my friends by email. I wanted to post it here too. Maybe someone reading this might benefit from it. I plan to do weekly devotionals about what I'm learning or what is on my heart at the time..however, this week I'm not feeling good so next week will be my next devotional. I have a nasty cold...so if you can pray for me to feel better. That would be great & I would appreciate it so much!!

James 4:1-10
"Drawing Close to God" is the title of this part of the scripture in James 4. I've been thinking about revival in the Lord & prayed about my own revival. I wanted to be shown what I need to do to revive my relationship with Christ. God answered my prayer...I need to draw closer to God in everything in my life. So I wanted to share this with all of you.

James 4:1-3
These verses talk about how we as believers should not want more then what we have as far as possessions, more money, higher status, more recognition, ect. These can cause conflicts within ourselves & can turn to fighting/scheming to get what we want. Instead of wanting more of our desires...we should submit ourselves to God & trust Him to give us what we really need. Prayer is the ultimate way of asking for what we need. Your prayers will become more powerful when you allow God to change your desires so that they perfectly correspond to His will for you(1 John 3:21,22). God wants you to have a pleasurable life but remember that pleasure that keeps you from pleasing God is sinful-always keep God as the center of your life. God alway provides for us but in His timing. We just have to be patient. I find peace in my heart to know that God will always take care of me & that I don't need to worry about anything.

James 4:4-6
This scripture teaches us about pride & humility. Pride tends to make you self centered & you think you deserve everything the world has to offer. God opposes those that are prideful & favors those that are humble. The best way to humble yourself in God's eyes is to understand that all we need is God's approval. Being filled with the Holy Spirit has shown me that my desires are selfish & cheap. I can find true happiness in God & what He has to offer me.

James 4:7-10
God & the devil are at war constantly but the good news is that God has ALREADY defeated satan(Revelation 12:10-12) & when Christ returns..satan & all he stands for will be eliminated forever!!!! Until then we just need to resist satan with the Holy Spirit's power & he will flee from us.

So how can we draw closer to God?
1. Humble yourselves before God-Yield to His authority & will for your life. Commit your life to Him & His control. Be willing to follow Him.
2. Resist the devil-Don't allow satan to entice & tempt you to do what you know is not pleasing to God because it is a sin.
3. Wash your hands & purify your hearts-this means to lead a pure life. Be cleansed from sin-replacing your desire to sin with your desire to experience God's purity.
4. Let there be sorrow & deep grief for your sins-don't be afraid to express deep heartfelt sorrow for what you have done.
5. Humble yourselves before the Lord & He will lift you up in honor.

Being humble before the Lord recognizes that our worth comes from God alone. To be humble...you must lean on His power & guidance-not going your own independent way. Always involve God in everything you do in your life.

If any of you need to "revive" your relationship with Christ...I encourage you to do so. It is the most refreshing experience with the Lord that I've had.

PRAISE GOD!!!!! HE LOVES US SO MUCH & WANTS ONLY THE BEST FOR HIS CHILDREN.

LOVE U ALL!!!

God Bless!
~*Kelly*~

My 2008 Year End Letter...

Dear Diary,

I hope that this entry finds you in good health & spirit. I just want to say hope you had a blessed Christmas & Happy New Year!!!! Hope that 2009 will be a better year then 2008 full of happiness & good things!!!

Well, I can’t believe it’s the end of the year!! This year has flown by!! This year has been filled with good experiences & not so good experiences. I want to tell you what’s been happening in my life in the last year…I will just tell you the news of my world month by month!!

JANUARY: *The end of the month was exciting & made a major decision to re-dedicate my life to Christ. Late one night I was feeling a tug on my heart strings to return to church. I knew that it was a call from God to come back. So I found Knott Ave. Christian Church on the internet & decided to check the church out. After talking with Pastor Dan Harper on that Sunday…I re-dedicated my life to God one week later…it was early on a Saturday morning. The end of January 09 will mark one year since becoming a Christian again. PRAISE GOD!!!!

FEBRUARY: *This month was also exciting because I was baptized on the
10th of the month!!!! Pastor Mike Hammontre baptized me due to some unforeseen circumstances with Pastor Dan on the day of the baptism. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be baptized because I wanted Pastor Dan to do it but I got another call from God to do it anyway…Got the feeling from God that this is about Me…confessing to everyone that you are going to follow Me & I want you to do it right now…today. So I obeyed God’s call to do it that day & I did. The experience was AMAZING!! I know this is going to sound weird to some of you but when I was dunked back in the water…I actually saw a vision of Jesus’s tomb-where He was placed after they took Him down off the cross. I saw the white sheet but instead of Jesus wrapped up in it..it was me wrapped up in the white sheet. So it was like God was wanting me to see this vision & I’m still not sure why. All I can say is it was AMAZING!!! Those of you that understand the symbolism of baptism will know what I’m talking about.
*Also, my mom & I went to see “Stars On Ice” & that was fun!!! It was a early Christmas present from my brother!! My favorite part of the show was when Sasha Cohen(’06 Olympic Silver Medalist-USA) performed a music box number…she is so flexilble that the other skaters call her Gumby!!!

MARCH: *The end of the month was my first swim meet for Special Olympics. I competed in 25/50 meter freestyle & 25 meter backstroke. I was so nervous too but I prayed and God helped to calm me down. I came away with 2 gold medals & 1 silver medal!!!

APRIL: *Had a few more swim meets which I did well at & won more medals…came away with gold & silver medals. I love medals!!!

MAY: *I went on vacation to Playa Del Carmen, Mexico!!! It’s in the Caribbean!!! Just look at the blue water in the pic!!! My favorite part of the trip is when I got to swim with a dolphin & snorkel. That was an awesome trip & I had a blast!!!

*Also, I had my 35th bday party at Hof’s Hut!!! I had so much fun being with my friends!!!! I think I’m old…LOL!!!!

JUNE: *This month was the SO Summer State Games!!! They were held at Long Beach State University!!! This was a huge meet because this was the best swimmers with the best times were invited to attend. So it was an honor for me to go & represent Long Beach!!! I won a silver medal, 4th & 5th place ribbons. Not bad for my first state games!!!

JULY: *This was a bad month for me as I had found out that I had a fibroid tumor in my uterus. It was causing me so much pain that I went to the doctor to find out what was going on. I had so many emotions when I found out but the first person I called was my pastor…Dan. I knew some how I needed some comfort from God & Dan was helpful to me. He was able to calm me down on the phone because I was in tears when I called him because I had just found out. I was told the only treatment is surgery…so I was to have a hysterectomy.

*The really only good thing that happened this month was I entered a scrapbook page into the scrapbook competition for the first time at the Orange County Fair & I got an honorable mention. Honorable mentions are 4th place which I was very happy with…here is a pic of my page…

AUGUST-OCTOBER: *Struggled a lot with God & emotions. It was a difficult time because satan was not gonna leave me alone!!! Most of my emotions were centered around the surgery I was to have in November!!

AUGUST: *The big O!!! The Olympics in Beijing!!!! I watched the swimming & gymnastics. All I can say is that Michael Phelps blew me away with what was it? 9 gold medals??? Totally cool!! But even cooler was when Nastia Liukin(U.S. Gymnast) won the all around gold medal…the all around gold is the most cherished medal in gymnastics that you can win!! Nastia is the third American women in gymnastics history to win the all around!! Her former team mate-Carly Patterson won the all around gold in ’04. Two gymnasts from the same gym that have won back to back all around Olympic titles!!! For those of you who are not familiar with the term “all around”…it means a total combined score from vault, uneven bars, balance beam, & floor exercise.

SEPTEMBER: *I went to the “Gymnastics Superstars” show at the Honda Center. It featured most of the gymnasts who were at the Olympics!! That was a fun night!!! My favorite part of the show was when Nastia performed!!! She is my favorite gymnast…also got to meet Joe Hagerty of the US Men's Team-here are a couple of pics from the evening...

OCTOBER: *Nothing much happened! Except Halloween where I worked at Mega Night at my church. Dressed as a fairy or something like that!

NOVEMBER: *This was the month that I was to have my hysterectomy but something AMAZIN happened!!!! I went to the doctor to have a sonnagram done to see if there was any changes in the tumor or anything…this was prior to surgery because they needed to know what they were dealing with exactly because it had been a couple of months since the last test. So I called my doctor on that Thursday for the results & he said that I needed to come into the office the next day. So Friday…I went in & he showed me the pics from the sonnagram & he said I have not explanation for this but the tumor is gone!!!!!!!! PRAISE GOD because He performed a miracle!!! HE HEALED ME!!!! TRULY AMAZIN…GOD CAN DO ANYTHING!!! The one thing that I learned through all this is that God can take any bad situation & turn it into a good one…if you let Him. So with some recent issues…I’ve given them to God & He can work in it. Guess this means…I’m trusting God that He will do what is best for me.
*I went to see Hanson at the “House of Blues” in Downtown Disney. It was a great night. I really admire what Hanson is doing to help the children in Africa with something as simple as providing shoes for the kids. Hanson partnered with Tom’s Shoes & at their concert they sold these shoes. For every pair of shoes purchased one pair of shoes were donated to a child in Africa. To help their fans understand….in each city where Hanson had a concert…they did what they call “The Walk”. It is a one mile walk with Hanson & no shoes on…they want people to experience what it’s like to walk around with no shoes on all day. Children in Africa walk around with no shoes day in and day out. We tend to take things as shoes for granted..it’s a reminder to stop & be thankful for what you have.

*My brother came home for Thanksgiving for the first time since college & that’s a long time.
*I had a lot to be thankful for this year…I am truly blessed.

DECEMBER: *Was busy a lot this month!!! My brother came home for Christmas too so that was good.
*Just a reminder to really focus on the true meaning of Christmas….It’s Jesus’s Birthday!!! He is the reason for the season. Jesus’s was born for a reason….to die on the cross for you!!! Always remember to take time out & reflect on that….HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!!!

*I still work at Petco in Buena Park…going on 7 years at the end of May.
*I have 3 cats now:Jacob(1 yr. & 4 months old), Ebony(4 yrs. old), & Jenna(13 yrs. old.
*I just want to say thank you to all my friends…God has truly blessed me with you. You all mean alot to me & thank you for everything that you do!!! Always remember that God loves you & so do I!!!!

Peace, Love, & Jesus,
~*Kelly*~