Realization…

Dear Diary,

So I wanted to share this with all of you but this is more for women. This afternoon after work I decided to stop in at the new Ross store cuz I was in need of a new purse. After selecting the purse I wanted to purchase...I started to walk around the store at stuff. Well bein a scrapbooker; I was looking at the scrapbooks...the same aisle included journals/books.

So I looked through the books & came across the book called "Captivating" by Todd & Stasi Eldridge. I skimmed the book & read the intro to the book but I really didn't understand what the book was about...but I felt something(which was maybe God) that I needed to get this book. I didn't buy it because I wanted to come on Amazon & look it up. I wanted to see more of what the book is about & why God would want me to read it.

I have looked it up & God has spoken again I feel directly to me about the book through this reader review of "Captivating"....

"Captivating" speaks to our need for God to meet us deeply, personally and intimately. I hear many people saying- I don't relate because I don't need someone to rescue me. Well then, why do you need Jesus? I think I believe a lie that "God loves sinners- His grace is sufficent for sinners- sinners need Jesus to save them...but now, I'm a Christian (a saved sinner) and yeah, I still need grace and He loves me, but I'm no longer in need of rescue." God wants more for us then this- read Romans 5- read 5:8 (while we were still sinners Christ died for us- AMAZING)...now keep reading- it doesn't end with salvation...Paul says "HOW MUCH MORE" multiple times in the next few verses talking about what God has FOR us after our conversion. It never stops being about God rescuing us, or our need. What I love about this book is that it does beat the idea that God loves us. And you know what- I don't think we ever really learn this lesson and need to stop hearing it. This is not a Barney "God loves me" now let's all run and give eachother hugs- it is learning that God's love is totally life transforming. HE changes us- and not because we are this problem He has to deal with (which I think is how many people see sanctification)- but because He loves us more than we can imagine! "Captivating" forces us to our continual need...that's not a comfortable place...I think that is part of why I wanted to chuck the book across the room. I don't want to need anyone- I am a strong woman, right? Oh, wait, I am broken...we all are!! This book is not for low-self-esteem women- it is for any women who is willing to consider that she is broken (and maybe more than she wants to admit).

This review really hit home for me & I'm realizing that I need God more then I want to admit..cuz I always considered myself a strong women that I can live my life on my own without God. But that is not true...I noticed a change trying to live my life the way I want & not the way God wants. It's been rough...I will tell you that much.

I'm admitting that I am broken & wounded...I need to fully rely on Him for the rest of my life through everything not just when things are not good. I'm seeing alot of things now...thanks to an encouragement from Chad Collins...no matter how much I mess up & sin against God...to still come to church & not shut friends & specially God out of my life. That I need to let people love me & not push them away. I need to be with Godly friends who can build me up & know that I'm not judged when I mess up. I've messed up so much lately. I hadn't been to church cuz I was afraid of judgement by people & that God hasn't forgiven me or loves me anymore cuz I'm a bad person. All that was in my head but today...God wanted me to read this review & I am feeling that this book is important for me to read.

"I'm a strong women & don't need anyone" thought...God has taught me I can no longer use that excuse to not turn to Him through everything...good or bad. God has shown me today that I'm more broken & wounded then I even realized or was willing to admit...that I need to look to Him everyday cuz He wants to change my heart but I have to let go & let Him in to the work in my heart that needs to be done....

So this review has had an impact on me that I needed to see...God was behind it all. Who knew I would go into Ross to buy a purse & come across this book which led me to this review...that says exactly what I feel & where I'm at....God knew already...AMAZIN!!

No matter how much I turned my back on God & friends....the one thing that remained was that God never let go of me...He was there right beside me even though I didn't want Him there. The same thing with friends...you never let go of me (always kept me in prayer) no matter how much I resisted. THANK U for stickin by me through the worst of it. I love u all!!!

I have purchased the book from Amazon....just pray for me-that I continue to feel encouraged & not push those away who love me & want to help. But most importantly for me to let go & let God into my heart to do His work...to let God guide me & to trust Him with my life. To have the continual need for God each day & to rely on Him completely.

Thanks For Reading...comments are welcome.

In HIS LOVE,

~*Kelly*~